Never Said Hello says:

Anxiety, intrusive thoughts, suicidal; This is my last attempt to have this question answered here, I promise.?
Okay, hearing waves— like tsunami waves knocking down buildings and screaming people… whenever I try to close my eyes and get some ******* sleep. Then, when I play my music in an attempt to drown out the internal hysteria, I always am awakened, just as I’m drifting into sleep, by sounds that are in my head, or mean nothing, that sound to me (even though this is ridiculous) like my mom is coming to get me. No joke.
Please, I’m not trying to be dramatic. I just really don’t know what to do. Been through a lot at home and in school, recently (and I regret this every day) slipped back into my old cutting habit (just once in like 6 months, but I know I’m addicted again) and all because my mom came over and started taking pictures of my house— just the dirtiest little corners, that my dad and I miss in the clean up, since my brother is no help at all, and I knew the whole time that she intended to take them to her lawyer, I knew the whole time, from the moment she stepped in the house, and then she pulled out that god-damn camera when she thought I wasn’t looking, and started taking god-damn pictures, and my fears were confirmed.
Been totally unable to concentrate on my studies (and I’m usually a VERY serious student) and just haven’t slept, or had any appetite, or will to wake up (or ability to wake up) in the morning. My grades have taken a plunge, and I was working so hard.
Then, she HAD to come the night before the exam, and I just haven’t been able to function, or think past my own damn paranoid intrusive thoughts ever since.
I’ve actually gone so far as to get my dad to re-schedule an appointment at the doctor, for fear of his seeing my cuts before they healed. I’m a headcase, and a burden to all, and mostly I’m just selfish because I blame it all on her, but I should have learned by now that I was born for this sort of ****. I’m just scared of my own shadow, and so very depressed.
I dunno what to do. Dad’s getting surgery soon, and could be laid off any day now, because of me, and my inability, and I mean utter inability— I’ve tried physical pain and exertion even to wake up, and an ear-shattering alarm clock— to get up at 5:00 every morning, in the dark, to get on that damn cold bus and go to school to stress out, feel stupid, hate myself and the people who are talking about me just so I can hear them but can’t say anything without being called out for eavesdropping, and I can’t take watching my teachers look back at me with blank "Why the hell is this moron here in THIS program" looks and I can’t stand failing no matter how hard I try, and going home to my shadow again at the end of the day, just to work til I drop and repeat it all over again.
I keep dreaming of my mother killing me, in between different pretty fringe dreams, then again, it all comes back when I think about them again. And, I find myself only slipping into that exhausted, unnatural, and restless sleep; when I’m thinking of suicide.
Please, I’m not joking. I’m not trying to get a response, I just really don’t want to burden anyone here as it is, they’re all ill and sleeping, I have no-where to turn.
I know I could go to a school councilor— what would they say; "Talk it over with your mother" "get some sleep" "see a shrink" "we need to have a talk with your parents present" "you need to relax" "maybe this program isn’t right for you"—- I’ve only ruined my health and lost my sanity to stay in the program, and it’s all I’ve got going for me now.
I just dunno what to do now. I’ve abandoned all of my old friends for school, and when I try to get in touch (when I know I should be studying—but only once in a blue moon) I see how they’re still doing things together, and they’ve got new friends that I don’t know, new inside jokes that I don’t get, and they’re all there for each-other. Then, I do this stupid thing where I just do NOTHING about it— maybe I cry alone, but only my shadow sees me, and only my shadow is there to account for my private cowardice. I’m afraid my old friends are over me, they wouldn’t like the new me— I know they’re strained— they were the three occasions I’ve seen them (four different people, three different occasions, but only two at the same time in one encounter) and they didn’t seem to like me the way I’ve changed. And, I started complaining about stress at school, the same old boring **** excuses that they’re tired of hearing from me by now. And, I can’t bear to watch them, as they realize—maybe they really enjoyed my friendship for a time— but they’ve got new lives now— I’ve got my own new, pitiful, degraded, miserable existence to be getting on with.
I just can’t bear it— all the pictures, how everyone’s changed while I’ve been gone, and I’ve not changed at all— except to get shorter from sleep deprivation, slower from braincell loss, and paler– because I’ve been indoors— either at home, the hospital over half of the winter break, or in a nice muggy suffocating classroom

Alion says:

Sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time right now. Your mother isn’t helping,but I doubt she knows what you’re going through. You say you’ve been hiding the cuts from your dad-is there any adult you trust who can help you? If you can’t bring yourself to tell your father,how about
a teacher or a guidance counselor-or even another relative who is neutral in the trouble between
your parents. You need to talk to somebody about this face to face,the Internet isn’t much help for things like this. Maybe even professional counseling. You’re obviously in a lot of emotional pain
and I’m sure there are people who love you,who would want to help you. Why not give them a chance? Whatever happens,I wish you the best of luck.
References :

boystownhotline says:

Obviously you have been through, and are going through a great deal in your life. Things can certainly get better, though there is not a quick fix. You mention a school counselor will not help, because you already know what they will say. The thing is, you do need help and deserve to get it. You will have to confide in those around you, and let them try to help you and work through things. This time will pass, and life will not always be as it is now. Your parents, another relative, school counselor, a teacher, or a friends parent is a good person to start to talk with. Some outside help, like a counselor you meet with on a regular basis would be a GREAT form of support for you right now. You can pull through this, and you just HAVE to keep fighting through. Here at the Boys Town National Hotline, we have counselors available over the phone 24 hours, seven days a week. You can reach out to us toll free at 1-800-448-3000, and we are available right now. If you need someone to talk to, the next best step would honestly be to give us a call. We are here for you, and we want to help. Best, Mandi, Counselor
References :
http://www.boystown.org
http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org

TX Mom says:

Sweets, there should not be any of us who isn’t scared s***less. The whole scenario of tsumanis, floods, earthquakes, weird foam stuff in the ocean. I was in a earthquake (2) this week. Unbelievable.

You are living in an arrangement from hell. Is your mom trying to overwhelm you?

I honestly think you have to move. This happened to my son, a few months ago. We could not be in the same room without an earthquake erupting. He had a big knife, and I was afraid. He graduated high school, and now he lives away from us, he doesn ‘t act out, and he won’t talk about school, jobs, living stuff. He IS in college, and I’m proud of him for making that happen.

A local clinic gives free meds & therapy. He’s not on our health insurance, he’s bip, and that entitles him to a lot of services.

I hear you about needing sunshine. I spend most of my time in the computer/garden room.

You know, that when this settles–whether you are with your family or not, you’re going to get over this. You’ll be a role model, You’ve got a story. And funny at that, you seem to be a natural writer.

If you can get high, high SATs, apply to the Unversity of Texas in Dallas. They want to brag about the good grades, and they will give you almost a free ride.

Find out if you can legally move away from home. Your mom may have no right to stop you. Try to distance yourselves and THE MOST IMPORTANT PART: TAKE YOUR PILLS EVERY DAY. You may have to work to support yourself, but I’m guessing that getting away is worth a lot of work.

NAMI.org. Chat, listen, ask questions, information. Free, ready to help you.

Take care.

tx mom
References :