hi iam male 22 years old.my father died since 2001 i entered into a new feeling i realized after that ,it is depression..i thought it was normal sadness.after death of my father i was attracted to a girl i tried to tell her how i feel.but i was shy it was my first time so i send her subliminal message..she knew..but then i didn’t know what happened..i was totally absent i didn’t think of doing something more than this.i had this feeling..how can i tell?!"to stand or sit and don’t think of anything absent,inattentive,scampish…it was depression but not affecting my daily life in a bad way..i enjoyed playing basketball with my friends,watching a movie,eating a pizza..and even masturbating…everything was ok..when i finished high school i attended college..and iam known btw my friends that i worry so much.time passed..my first semester was ok.the second semester i started having panic attacks when being in the university.i loved being alone..worrying about everything,feeling sad all the time,being D and F student.i forgot my goals..i forgot how to feel good,courage,and relaxed..but it was abnormal thing with me..because i didnt have any relationship with a girl..however,i was always atracted to girls in a crazy way ..when i was at school..everyday i go home after lunch i masturbate and have an image of a girl at school..anyway,throughout my depression and anxiety i continued doing the same habit "masturbation" till i became addicted..like people addicted to cigarettes.masturbating with no image in head..just for checking if iam ok..i became a bad person who watch porn too much.and my sexual drive became zero.if i see a hot woman on tv or at the street i dont have attractions to her..this drives me crazy..and i go home do that sin….Now,iam dealing with more professional feeling.i ask myself :am i a gay? then i say no..then i say what is that ..why is that happening to me?i was totally normal before..but i dont know what is that?! i dont imagine myself being with a man..just a note..when i entered into these feelings of hopelessness and loneliness ..i uploaded my photo on the internet to see who i look like from celebrities..josh hartnett was my celebrity lookalike..it is ridicilous but i started to watch his movies..when i look at him i find that i look like him..even in his movies my character is 80% like him!i dont know..it is ridicilous..
anyway, i want to solve it and put an end to my problems.i ask for help here.i was not born to be lost.my goal was to join the army.but now, i have phobia of everything..i have phobia of thinking too.
finally,,when i look inside myself i say deeply that someday i will be better..but it happens to me a lot..i have a bit of hope a day.and the next day i feel like iam in hell "feeling guilty,worried,nervous,fear,suicide thoughts,and escape".
i have a lot to write. but now i need some help ..i need a professionals..thanks

I am very sorry for the loss of your father and hope you find it reassuring that it is all very much how grieving goes. But now you are battling with mental illness and that is not normal; you mentioning Depression, Anxiety disorder, Phobias, Panic attack and so on.

You often feel very anxious without reason and your worries disrupt your daily life. Your anxiety disorder is causing excessive or unrealistic anxiety and worry, well beyond what’s appropriate for a situation. In addition to dealing with excessive worry, you may also have feelings of depression to cope with. Living with anxiety disorder can be difficult, but treatment is available. Medications and psychotherapy can help ease symptoms, and you can learn healthy coping skills to manage anxiety disorder and take back your life.

Take care as always!

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